Cuz This Is Life And Such

It was the Thursday night of Spring Break, my senior year. I got home to Mae and my parents and Mae sitting at the kitchen counter, mum had obviously been crying. We sat down, talked. I went home with Mae Mae. I went to the doctor again the next day, saw that beautiful little heart beat of my unborn child. It was the happiest day of my life. After we say the heartbeat my friends tried to create some normalcy  so we came up with names. Matthew Dillon for a boy and Camille Anne for a girl. It was the doctor’s appointment the Friday after that brought everything back into perspective. 

He had already started a thing with another girl who lived 5 hours away. My natural maternal instinct was to shut down. I had to protect myself and now this sweet little child. I still loved that boy, but he was moving on to another girl already, I had never felt more alone in the world. If not for my teachers and the baby I was carrying, I would have ended my life. 

I held my secret to myself. I had my two favorite teachers in the world who knew. Mr. Luby and Shannon, because even though I had my friends and Mae, I needed an adult, and I wasn’t ready to tell my parents. I was scared shitless, but I was thrown one of the hardest questions of my life. To keep it or get an abortion. I thought and thought, I lived with the father telling me that he wanted nothing to do with our child. I decided that if the universe would let me I was going to keep it. 

I hadn’t told anyone except a friend that I ride horses with, she’s 30 and I’m 18—she’s always seemed to have the answers. Mae came and picked me up after school and took me to Planned Parenthood. It turns out the first time that we had sex I had gotten pregnant, a week before we started dating. I had missed my pill once, and that’s all it took.